My lips so often say, “Lord, Your will be done.”
It is my heart, however, that rebels and screams, “My will. My time. My plan.”
I struggle to synchronize my lips and my heart. I know what I should want and I know what I should say, “Lord, Your will be done.”
As I say this, and try to mean it, my plan is still burning in my thoughts and seems so much better than His.
Tonight as I sit in the quiet of my living room, having a few minutes of peace while my husband runs errands with my son, it becomes blindingly clear to me that my current situation is less than ideal.
I am 39 weeks pregnant.
Christmas is 5 days away, and we are completely without a definite plan because of the baby.
I am recovering from a severe kidney infection, a harrowing experience indeed.
My family is 200 miles away; that is possibly 200 miles of extremely icy, unpredictable North Dakota roads.
My baby has been teasing me for weeks, acting like he or she would be here by now, but instead, has decided to permanently take up residence inside me.
As it is in the last weeks of pregnancy, everything is an unknown.
Today, God brought me to Luke 1:26-38. This is when the angel, Gabriel, appears to Mary and reveals to her that she will bear the Son of God.
Um…. Let’s talk about uneasiness and a less than ideal situation.
She’s a virgin. She’s engaged. She’s a teenager. Now, she carries the Savior of the world. Yikes!
In verse 28 it says that Mary was “deeply troubled” when Gabriel greeted her. Later, in verse 34 she asks him, “How can this be?”
Mary’s immediate response was not to trust God, but to doubt His plan and wonder at what it could mean. I resonate with Mary here since my first impulse is nearly always doubt, fear, anxiety, panic…then… in time… I settle upon trusting my Heavenly Father.
Mary does finally settle on blind trust when she says, “I am the Lord’s servant. May your word to me be fulfilled.”
Even 2,000 years ago, these words are like magic to this sick, pregnant, anxious woman.
I have no doubt throughout her 9 months of pregnancy Mary regularly wanted to scream, “My will. My time. My plan.” However, her trust in God carried her through nine months, and mine has and will carry me through these uncertain weeks.
Each time my heart screams, “My will. My time. My plan.” God will answer back and remind me to be still, give Him the glory, and let Him work in my life.
And besides, nothing would be more incredible than my little one sharing a birthday with the Savior of the world.