Stop Waiting 12 Weeks to Reveal your Pregnancy

I had a baby. His name was Jess. He died.

 

Alright, so now that is out of the way. I’m a little nervous about this one because it deals in some very painful experiences for many. However, I think it needs to be said.

 

In March of 2014, my husband and I were surprised to find out that we were pregnant. In April of 2014 we had a miscarriage, and two weeks later, a DNC.

 

Before I experienced this very common and silent suffering, I had little compassion for those who had. I did not understand the pain that could possibly be associated with a baby who was the size of a pea. I did not understand how one could become attached to a life so fleeting, it hardly made an imprint on anything. Now that I have experienced this, I have the deepest, most heartfelt compassion for any woman who loses a child. Whether she is one week pregnant or nine months pregnant, there was life. Period.

footprints

I am radically pro-life. A baby deserves to see sunlight no matter how small, how he was conceived, or the harm he may cause to his mother: none of this is his fault. A baby becomes a person the moment he is conceived, and no one ever, should question that irrevocable, God-sanctioned truth.

 

My husband and I did something that many would consider a mistake when we were pregnant with our first. We did not wait 12 weeks to share our happy news with the world. We told our family. We told our friends. We told our colleagues. I told my students. How stupid are we? Two weeks after we shared the news, we had to share that the baby was gone. It was awful. It was hard. It was torture.

flower

For our next pregnancy, which has now become a 12-month old ball of mischief, we waited 12 weeks. Many would say we learned our lesson. However, I felt guilty the entire time. It felt wrong to hide my child from the world. I constantly wondered, if we were to lose him too, would we really never tell anyone that he existed? I am so thankful to God that I never had to answer this question.

 

I have thought a lot about this, and have come to the realization that many couples choose to wait 12 weeks before revealing a pregnancy because of self-preservation. There is no self-preservation involved in sharing a pregnancy too early and then having the dreaded task of sharing the story of your miscarriage over and over and over. However, the life that you are preserving when you share your pregnancy prior to the 12-week mark is your baby’s. You are openly admitting and joyously celebrating the life inside you. Whether that life will reach full term or not, it was there and it should be celebrated. Most of all, people should know about it. This baby lived.

 

No matter how far along a woman is in her pregnancy, the baby has life. Those that are pro-life would agree with this statement. So, why on earth, are we waiting 12 weeks to accept, share, and admit a life? The couple who chooses to wait 12 weeks and then suffers a miscarriage is forced to muddle through the mourning alone. They experience the same grief, the same anger, and the same questions as anyone who has lost a loved one, but they pick up the pieces alone. The part that really bothers me about this couple’s sad story, however, is that no one will ever know they had a child. Besides the couple, no one will mourn their child, pray for their child, or acknowledge their child. It is as if he/she never existed. That, my friends, is not right.

 

I have no intention of lessening the immense pain associated with a miscarriage. I also pray for the families that experience multiple miscarriages and their struggles. I do not understand what this would be like and pray I never find out. However, if God grants us with another child, my husband and I do have every intention of sharing his/her life with the world. If we were to lose him, the benefits of sharing it with others would outweigh the disadvantages. Of course, it would be excruciatingly difficult to share our loss with others. However, we would not have to suffer and mourn our child alone, nor would we be the only ones who knew we had lost a life in our family.

Sunset
We will see our son or daughter again someday, and we will call him/her Jess. My children will know they had another sibling, and his/her name was Jess. The world will know my child had life, and his/her name was Jess. God created Jess. Jess mattered. Jess lived.

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15 Responses to Stop Waiting 12 Weeks to Reveal your Pregnancy

  1. I agree with you in not wanting to walk any of the journey alone. When we found out we were pregnant with our first (at around five weeks,) we didn’t wait to tell anyone. And I loved all of the shared happiness and prayers we received over this new life. With our second (who should be born in another month) my husband wanted to wait and surprise his family on Christmas (at around 17 weeks,) and I missed all of the good energy directed toward the baby as I’d had with our first. My sister found out she was pregnant but a few weeks after she told me, she lost the baby, and I went up the mountain and held a vigil for her little baby and prayed and suffered with my sister in doing so. Why would anyone want to bear this weight alone? Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mywalk27 says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I also had a miscarriage and we told everyone before 12 weeks. Like you, we lost our baby (Mahira) two weeks later. It was such a painful experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This post! In one moment my heart was grieving with yours, the next moment I was nodding my head in agreement, and when I finished reading, I felt like we should be friends!!! We need people every stage of life with all its joys and pains. Thank you for sharing such an intimate and special time of your life with us. Praying over you and your sweet family and know that Jess is smiling over you, cheering you on in your mommyhood! Blessings to you, sweet girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post. My heart reaches out to everyone who suffered a miscarriage. It is truly a horrifying experience. But anyways great post

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Missing Eden says:

    I had the same experience, only I did the sharing in reverse. I had not shared the pregnancy of the child I lost. The pain of bearing that was made worse because we did not have others coming along side us to mourn. When we got pregnant the next time, I joyfully and quickly shared the news with others. You are so right about celebrating all life from conception. God bless you and your family!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Things do not happen in life for no reason. Sin is the ultimate reason but God is able to pull good out of the bad. How can we share in Christ’s glory if we do not share in His suffering? One day every tear will be wiped from our eyes but while we are here He will sanctify us. Sometimes that is not a pleasant process. Keep praying, keep crying out to your Heavenly Daddy and He will pick you up and carry you.
    God Bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. newmamasusan says:

    Thank you for sharing! I also experienced an early miscarriage literally the day after we shared the news in the first trimester, but that whole experience reminded me that all things do work together for the good to them that love the Lord and to them who are the called according to his purpose. And it seemed like right after we lost our baby that the Lord brought so many women into my life that were experiencing miscarriages and it was a blessing to be able to encourage them. And we conceived almost to the day of our previous baby and we vowed that we would share just the same (before the 12 weeks) and we would walk in faith that we would go to term with this pregnancy and that we would openly enjoy every minute of it and here we are today…chasing around our 18 month old blessing!

    Thank you for sharing. It is a sensitive topic, but I believe every pregnancy should be enjoyed from the time the parents find out through the end and not let fear cripple and steal the joy of new life! God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I felt the same way when I miscarried. You dont realize how many people go through that pain until you experience it yourself. God has a way of making good things come out of difficult situations. I am so happy you have a little one now. They are the best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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