Target, We Need to Talk

I’m just a customer. A very frequent customer, since you seem to have some sick marketing ploy that causes young mothers to essentially live within your red and tan walls. You have nearly lost me as a customer many times, due to your gay-marriage-loving-gender-neutralizing attitude. I am sure you support gun control too, although I haven’t heard for certain one way or another. Anyway, I have activated my moral principles and boycotted you many times in the past. However, if you’re going to force me to say it, you just have the best stuff, and I can’t seem to stay away from you. Your scarf selection is killer, as is your purse and accessory selection. I hit each of these areas before I even make it to the diaper aisle. This is where I do the most damage: Luvs, Huggies, Pampers, generic Target brand — I blame this impossible decision for many of my sleepless nights. As a side note, your generic cheap diaper brand sucks. I like to save money as much as the next guy, probably more, but I am somewhat opposed to diaper rash that essentially morphs into its own living creature. I guess if you want to sell more Desitin–props on that marketing.


Apparently, Target, I have a lot to say to you. However, there is one incredibly essential and pressing issue that we must discuss today. My dad, I am sure, would want me to ask you why on earth your front door is so far off to one side of your building. I grew up with my dad for roughly 18 years, heck, he raised me, and I have heard him rant and rave about the location of your entrance more than any other thing with which he tends to take issue, and my dad takes pride in the number of things he can find with which to take issue. Nevertheless, we will stick a pin in that for now.


Target, for gosh sakes, you have got to put your red, diamond-sided, sometimes circle-sided, silver-handled carts back in your blasted store. It is time to take a stand, Target, and say enough is enough. Now, let me admit, I only frequent one Target in the nation, and I am sure there are roughly a billion Targets nationwide–and I don’t want to point any fingers, but the Target carts in my particular city are haunting the residents. Just when you think you’ve escaped the red carts due to your vast distance from the nearest Target store, BAM! a Target cart appears in a ditch, on a curb, at Wal-Mart, downtown, on the other side of town, in the next county, toodling down the highway. Stop the madness, Target! Now, I will confess, I do have a tendency to be a tad melodramatic, so I tested my theory that this problem has risen to Supreme Court heights. I confirmed this nonsense by recording the length of time that one, single Target cart remained seemingly undetected and unperturbed on the same curb of 7th street in a haphazard and precarious position. Care to venture a guess how long this cart remained static? SIX MONTHS! That’s how long. After a while, the cart began to mock me as I drove by. It was as if it was saying, “Ha ha. I am still here. I will be here For.Ev.Er.” Cue, evil laugh.


Honestly, Target, you have no one to blame but yourselves. Don’t even attempt to gesture to your poorly positioned cart corrals, rub your head, and roll your eyes at the complete lack of respect your customers show to your carts. If you want your carts to get respect, it is high time you respect them first. I am thinking about robbing you blind of all your carts and giving them all a good home where they will be cared for and protected.

Target, either take care of your cart problem, or I will be forced to exercise my moral principles against you yet again.



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